cough&flu&sorethroat&headache. Wednesday, November 18, 2009
i'm here, falling more and more sick now.
from just flu to sorethroat, then to cough, then to headache now.
feeling feverish.
fever may come anytime soon.
gawd..
and to think that i may need to spam latte later if dianne doesn't agree to extention of deadline.
要死了。
--Merci tout le monde--
11:02:00 PM
understand. Tuesday, November 17, 2009
i guess i understand why u said it's hard to cope. that you were actually suffocating.
i guess i do..
the workload is just too heavy to handle..
--Merci tout le monde--
11:40:00 PM
still broken. Monday, November 16, 2009
tomyum u-mian at makan place.
and i suddenly recalled how we always went there for dinner before heading home..
how u asked me wad to eat for dinner..
the way u said "tomyum uuuuu-miannnnn"
was packing the room and it took my mind off you for the moment.
until i saw the gifts you gave me.
the bottle umbrella and the wrapping paper from prints.
you were so proud of the gifts you got for me..
cos they were so special..
filled with efforts while choosing the gifts and preparing them..
those were my bday gifts this year from you.
when i had the saddest bday ever.
though belated, but still very touched to have gotten them from you.
guess you'll never know how much you meant to me.
--Merci tout le monde--
10:01:00 PM
Leona Lewis - My Hands
I wake in the morning Tired of sleeping Get in the shower And my make my bed alone I put on my make up Talk into the mirror Ready for a new day, Without you And I walk steady on my feet I talk my voice obeys me
I go out at night Sleep without the lights And I do all of the things I have to Keeping you on my mind But when I think I'll be alright I am always wrong cause
My hands Don't wanna start again My hands No they don't wanna understand My hands They just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find My hands They only agree to hold Your hands And they don't wanna be without Your hands And they will not let me go No they will not let me go
I talk about you now And I do without crying I go out with my friends now I stay home all alone And I don't see you everywhere And I can say your name easily I laugh bit louder Without you
And I see diferent shades now And I, I'm almost never afraid now But when I think I'll be ok I am always wrong cause
My hands Don't wanna start again My hands No they don't wanna understand My hands They just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find My hands They only agree to hold Your hands No they don't wanna be without Your hands And they will not let me go No they will not let me go
Sometimes I wait I see them reaching out for you Quietly break Whatever sheilds I spent so long building up I cannot fake Cause when they cry I'm almost broken... ?... They miss holding my baby
My hands, My hands
No they don't wanna understand They just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find
My hands Your hands They don't wanna be with us? And they will not let me go No they will not let me go
anyway, don't think because i don't have twitter means you can scold wadeva u want over there. you expect some initiativeness right? then you jolly well know when to shut up and when to talk. and think before you talk or suggest anything. don't give crap stuffs especially when u are a leader. show that u are using ur brain to think for goodness sake.
please don't give me a hard time tomorrow. i'll burst. i warn 1st.
thank you. exuent.
--Merci tout le monde--
9:59:00 PM
you lied.
you've got the time to change your pm. but you have none to reply my msg to you on msn.
it's not that i dunno you dun wanna talk. it's just me being dumb.
thinking that some day u would at least reply me as a friend. as my ex.
i guessed you aren't so open about it after all. and you lied about your preference of being frens still after breakup.
liar.
get out of my mind now..
--Merci tout le monde--
9:53:00 PM
i just hope that you are fine.
i once told sheryl why i had been posting/sharing alot of videos on fb. it was to distract me from thinking back. i'm happy to see others happily fascinating over the videos i shared.. love to see their fascinations and comments.. cos for that moment i felt that i was living for something.. to make my friends happy. i'm happy when they are happy.. but it's just temporary..
looking through his pictures.. remembered the pics i took of him.. i can still feel the warmth from his hug. so warm and tight. felts as though i'm back to him at that instant.
and i know i'm just thinking back.
looking at the picture of you again. this guy, whom i know for 7 months+.. will never be the same again... will never treat me as the little gal he used to treat me as.
Tamia - Officially Missing You Rihanna - Take a Bow Miley Cyrus & Jonas Brothers - Before the Storm Colbie Caillat - Out of my Mind Evonne Hse & Liu Geng Hong - Xin Dong Xin Tong F.I.R. - Juan Lian and Ba Ai Fang Kai Landy - Sha Gua Jordin Sparks - Was I the Only One Liang Wen Yin - Ke Yi Bu Ai Le and Wo Bu Shi Ni Xiang Xiang Na Me Yong Gan Rainie Yang - Guo Min, Zai Ni Huai Li De Wei Xiao, Ni Bu Shu Yu Wo Le Beyonce - Broken-hearted Girl Xu Ruo Xuan - Bu Ai Le Taylor Swift- Breathe and You're Not Sorry
was thinking were you even feeling sad for initiating the break up.. are you regretting for making this decision.. did you even think of me after all these..
i feel that i'm dumb. time and again i couldn't control myself.
i manage to hold on for a month i think. to not talk to you. to avoid u. to control myself from caring for u. but i still fail to ignore it.
the heartbreak is still there. it's still broken. and no one can seem to mend it.
people tell me that i should hang around with people more. i did uh.. and i tried very hard to stay happy. to enjoy. to get involved. to not think about anything in the past. someone even said i should get a rebound bf. but no, i dun wan. cos i dun wanna make use of anybody. furthermore, i wont get over it by just having a new bf. the scar is there. so deep.
last week i cried at least 3 times. 3 friggin times.
sunday i thought of why he chose to leave me. what have i done wrong. what have i not done enough. was i not a good gf. why cant he juggle? didn't he say he loved me and will want to maintain the r/s? just one day before the breakup and he say he still wanna maintain it. next day everything changed. he just gave up like that. can anyone explain why the sudden change?
all the memories start coming back. place where he put on the necklace for me. place where i always go and find him. how we hanged around bugis. things he said before.
even things like pocky can remind me of him. you tell me how to live properly without you?
monday got worst when don came back. class chose asst asst class rep and some pointed me. guess wad he said? "she ar? half her mind in china already.." you tell me how am i suppose to live with such a fact? no matter how i much deny people carry on talking about it. was sad enough on sunday night, thinking about everything. the whole journey with you. cried until both my eyes were puffy and swollen. and i still went to school next day. handling all these all on my own.. is this fair? no.
no one ever said love or life is fair. tears ended up welling in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. i couldn't bear with it. i couldn't control/stop it.
next i got back my pfa folio. all the effort and motivation for tt project put in.. was partly thanks for your help. i saw your persistance at work. i felt that i should do the same. especially when i'm ur gf. that night i lost the 2 folios. i lost the pile of work i put so much effort in it.
most of all, i lost my motivation.
i know i cant rely on u for my work. i can't let u affect my interest in design. i must still move on with my professionalism without u. like how u did it w/o me.
i almost cried over my loss of folios. bt i know i have soft copies, nt so bad. didn't want clare and chengyi to worry when on our way home. apparently some irritating guy pissed me off cos he kept talking abt I&E when i'm obviously nt in a very good condition to talk abt it. [and he continue to piss me off for the rest of the week, especially ytd and today, nv fail to stop pissing me off u noe.] what i'm lucky is that chengyi manage to go back and find it for me. they were still at SIM. god must've seen the pain i was going through. 'twas a tough day, definitely. the egg tarts he bought for me were nice too. treated him tao-huay cos he really helped me alot despite the fact tt he stays quite far, in the east.
thurs i happen to have nothing after school. went home early after meeting with I&E ppl. reached house downstairs at aroun 6.15pm.. and decided that i dun feel like going up so early. so i went to walk around my neighbourhood. it was quiet and chilly.. i walked around aimlessly, not knowing where to go. needed some place where i can sit and think. but before i can even do so, i was sobbing in tears. i don't know what to do with my life. i'm awfully hurt. hurt by the fact that everything went wrong. i dunno who to turn to. dunno whom i can talk to about all these. i dun wan anyone to worry for me. anyway these arnt ordinary things tt people can understand. i stayed strong for 2 mths plus, trying to move on with all my might. but still, i failed. i can't approach my aunt and cry, cos i told her i know it's dumb and i'll move on. i know.. but i can't help it.. really i cant..
i sat down at one void deck. thinking about everything. cried as a few people walked past me. 'what happened to this gal?' they must be thinking. bt i just need a place to cry... where nobody can find me.
one hour later i keep myself cool, i went home. no appetite for food. skipped dinner and mum kept asking wad happened. i controlled so hard and in the end i still broke down. she asked why and i can't tell her the reason.
i know it's dumb. i know every1 just gonna say it's dumb to cry over it.
but i'm living in my own world. i can't accept the fact. i chose not to believe we've broken up. i chose to think that there's still hope. why..? why so dumb..?
up till now i'm still crying. i dunno wad to do. everywhere, everything.. just reminds me of this. i cnt stop thinking. it's torturing.
let alone having some irritating bastard who doenst realise his problem in managing the team. totally pissed me off. ruined my whole weekend. if not for some awesome choir frens after rehearsal today.. maybe it wud be a bad day. thanks friends. i know my pdi friends care for me too.. so dun worry ya.. i'll be fine..
i'm just dumb to show my concern for him time and again.
knowing that it is most likely that i wont receive any replies.
